Thursday, August 16, 2007

My Snark is Prepared

Ok. I can admit it. I'm a cynical and sarcastic high school teacher at times. To prove this, I have prepared all of my snarky answers, which I can't say, but would absolutely love to do so from time to time:

Student:"What's my grade?"
Me: "Who cares? If you don't know, it's not that important to you. I want you to learn, not try to acquire points."

S: "I forgot my homework."
Me: "You're fired!"

S: "What'd I get on the final?"
Me: "You should've known when you took it. Did you know the answers?"

S: "Did you finish the grades?"
Me: "When my grades are posted, you'll know I'm done grading."

S: "Did we do anything important while I was gone?"
Me: "No, we took a holiday because you weren't here; we didn't want you to miss anything. Of course, we did something important! Otherwise, we wouldn't have done it."

S: "I'm going to be gone tomorrow. Will I miss anything (important)?"
Me: [See above but put in future tense.]

S: "Can I turn the assignment in tomorrow? [Enter excuse here.]"
Me: "No. I want it today. That's why today is the deadline. If I wanted it tomorrow, that would've been the deadline. By the way, you're fired!"

S: "Can I have some extra credit to boost my grade?"
Me: "No. There are two types of students who ask for extra credit: those who won't do it and those who don't need it. Besides, the entire idea of extra credit is ludicrous. It means you didn't do what you were supposed to do and don't deserve it."

S: "Is it ok if I [enter way to break a rule here]?"
Me: "No. If you had to ask, you know it's not ok. And now, you're fired!"

S: "What do I have to do to pass? I just want to pass."
Me: (Sigh) "Fulfill the requirements as stated on the hand-out you just received. Don't strain yourself while you're at it." (Oh, man! He'll be put in charge of something important some day--probably my pension.)

S: "I just want to do the best I can. I just want to learn."
Me: (Almost black out) "You get it. You understand why you're here. But, sorry to say, you're fired! You might take my job."

11 comments:

The Science Goddess said...

Do we need to know this for the test? :)

graycie said...

Where should I put this?

DrPezz said...

My answers:

to SG: "This is the test."

to G: "Where it goes." Of course, there's a crass answer for that but...

P.S. Y'all were fast in responding to this new post. I'll take it as a compliment that you eagerly await my next installment. :)

Repairman said...

At least you can post your snarky responses. Mine wouldn't make it past the filters. ;-) LOL

Teacher in a Strange Land said...

We already did this stuff! Yesterday!

DrPezz said...

R: I guess I used filters without thinking about it. :)

TSL: I hope you had your snark ready, even if only in your head. ;)

Mimi said...

Love it!!

I'm dooooonnnne!!! What do I do now??

:)

Redkudu said...

I love to share this poem with students to answer the question "Did I miss anything?"

http://www.library.utoronto.ca/canpoetry/wayman/poem5.htm

Also, I wish my admin had your attitude toward late work. We found out today the new policy is a second, third, and fourth chance. No zeroes anymore. Yes. It's high school.

Athena said...

Dr. Pezz:

What is a good snarky response to: Are there any other teachers teaching this class? :)

I have a girl next year who is going to ask this. I need a good comeback.

Thanks Athena

EnglishTeacherMe said...

"Do we have to put our name on it?"

"Can we have free time?"

"What are we doing today?"

DrPezz said...

Redkudu:

My late work policy is that the students can turn in late work for a week but for half credit. I've thought about changing it, but right now that's mine. There are exceptions in extraordinary circumstances and with grade-breaking assignments (which have on-time points as part of the whole).

I do struggle with how much time to allot for students' work, so this is an ongoing dilemma for me.

Athena:

I had a boy ask me the same thing because he saw that I require the students to write and read (heaven, forbid), so he wanted to go to the movie teacher. I just said ok and good luck. (In my head I thought "good luck on the state test, too.")

ETM:

S: "Do we have to put our name on it?"
Me: "No, we'll pool the earned points to help the less fortunate."

S: "Can we have free time?"
Me: "Sure. Just come back at three, and we'll start having it."

S:"What are we doing today?"
Me: [I point to the board where it's posted.] Or, I could say "did you check the online calendar?"